I was once a kind of girl that is simple and filial yet everyone gets scared when I get mad, some people tend not to care. In this cruel world everything seems to knock us down, everything seems to hold us back. Now the biggest challenge for me was to let go of what I thought was right. I suddenly realized. I should not let these things leave me hanging over something that I’m not sure about. The thing here is, everyone knows me as a simple lady; a day came that I never thought I would do such action that would suddenly change everyone’s perspective on me and I did it, at that very moment all I thought was, I just needed to let go of what my heart wanted to say, “I hope this would not be a big deal to you nor will cause us to be uncomfortable with each other, but I like you.” These we’re the only words that I have uttered that I don’t even understand why I had the guts to say so. “I hope you’d find a man that would care for you, just a much as how you wanted that person to care for you.” It’s those words that suddenly changed my world; with this I tried to look for the positive side to what this have thought me. But there are times that I can’t. I allow myself to suddenly fall in the trap again, my fault. I can’t blame anyone else even him. But this is something that I thought and feel like taught me the most during my senior-highschool days. Plus we can’t please people, even when I show how much deserving I was it will never be enough and I can never be.
I don’t know of what exact time or date I felt this feeling but all I can remember is that it was during class time. Almost everyone in the campus knows this. I just don’t want to eleborate his characteristics further. But anyone who would fall in this situation would possibly feel the same way. Honestly it feels weird and awkward, but that’s part of me and I won’t deny it. This kind of feeling taught me to be more responsible of my actions, because not everyone or even a person can appreciate it unless it is based on what everyone knows is right. I realized that this one-sided love taught me how to not settle for less and set for those people who we’re not worth the effort. Also I’m a girl this disobey the ethics, I shouldn’t be looking for love I should wait for the right time to come. This time is the right moment to prove myself, to love myself, to take care of myself. I just wanted to share everything that I’ve done in order to forget what I feel about this guy. Most of the time, I hangout with my friends and jam with them. I tried answering puzzels which I taught I can’t do, but I was shocked that I can. I listen to music especially k-pop, I watch k-drama, read books and wattpad and such. In line with hanging out with friends I get to know more about myself through others. It’s feels good that I fell out of pace of thinking about him, because I was able to learn more things about me and others, plus I fell more in-love with k-drama. Much about it, learning about a lot of things that I thought I can’t do before was fun but challenging. We had a lot of vacations way back, I thought it would also help. But it didn’t, I guess this is a kind of test and challenge for me, when will be the last time I would ever think of him? that question is always running on my mind everytime I remember anything about him. But I guess I shouldn’t be doing this to myself, I always fell suddenly I will end up hurting. I feel bad for myself. Even the simplest things makes me think of him. This year is my last year in this school, next school year would probably help. Maybe the moment that I would not see him daily or everytime would help me recover from the past that I was the only one who played as character. I hope that would really help. How long will it last? That was the challenge.
Sometimes I even ask myself. When will this end? I can’t even answer my own questions. My fault again. But in this devastating part, there will always be someone or something who would suddenly lift us up, cause even when I know that, these someone does not even know I exist atleast he inspires me to get up every morning even when I’m in despair. His smile keeps me up, even in my darkest times. I guess every k-drama fans feels the same thing. But ofcourse with the guidance of God. There will always be him. Who would never leave. So time came it is school day again. When will it be? The moment I would not even remember any memory I made with him. This is probably part of moving on from a one-sided love. Weird, but I’m happy at the same time I’m hurting myself. I feel confused by just thinking of why choose this as the theme of my essay. Probably because this was so far one of the best lessons I got this past years. I highly appreciate this experience though because it taught me a lot. It even made me think that the simplest things that we do would mean a lot and would change everyone’s thought of you, in just a glimpse. I guess the scary part here is the part when suddenly a lot of people have thought negatively about me and that no one would be there to catch me, but lucky me. I always have my friends who were always ready to listen to my rants, even my farthest friends from manila and davao and such.
I feel grateful that even after a rain suddenly a rainbow would come out of nowhere. I can conclude that my friends are really blessings from above. Even him, he’s a blessing in disguise and even when only bad memories comes everytime I see him, I’m still thankful for he’s one instrument that God had probably used. Even now, my friends always tease me about him, I admit that’s one factor that probably a reason why I allow myself to go on. Time also came that I ended up being used to it. What comes on my mind is probably “time will come and wounds from the past would heal.” because now even when I admit, I still like him. What I always think is that tagline that I revised myself.
It is no joke, to just let go of the past I thought would probably be possible. Even other people would think I’m too ambitious or I’m too choosy but that’s what I felt and I can’t just suddenly end what I feel. It’s not easy because I already got attached even when I shouldn’t.
ART of POETRY -Poetic Press 